Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
