does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
