I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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