who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
