I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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