There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
