just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize