He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
