____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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