he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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