Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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