i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
