Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize