How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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