Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize