Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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