Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
