My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize