He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
