my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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