I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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