you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize