I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
