dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
