I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize