while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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