I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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