Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
