Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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