it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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