I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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