good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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