I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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