I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
