Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
