I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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