Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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