he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
