I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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