when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
