Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
