I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize