so that wasnt chicken after all
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
