Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
