I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
