you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
