Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
