I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it was like eating out sand paper
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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