Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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