On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You've changed since you got that strap on
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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