Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
