Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
