Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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