I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
