He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
