dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
