She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
