I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
