Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize