do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
