I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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