He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My vagina is officially offended.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
